Tact: Acute sensitivity to what is proper and appropriate in dealing with others, including the ability to speak or act without offending.

Today I feel terrible and evil.

I hurt someone with my sharp tongue and thoughtless words. I should have really learnt by now, how to deal with normal people. People who don't have BPD, people who don't think, act or feel the way I do. People who are unable to see a situation with as objective a view as mine.

In my last few posts, I was perhaps at my most paranoid and self-destructive state ever. I discovered the comfort of self-harm...mostly just slashing my arms till there is a satisfactory amount of blood pooled on the floor below; enough to atone for my sins.

I did this so often, and so much, my arms are scarred forever and I have developed severe anemia. So much so, that I need to huff and puff to run a few yards. Also, I lost complete interest in life and living. Life is overrated, living is an illusion we create to justify our cowardice towards Death.

Somehow, I cannot explain why I self harm...I feel that by hurting myself every-time I feel awful about a misunderstood act (For which I always assume sole responsibility, even though a third party would argue that it wasn't my fault), I can kill my 'evil self' that manifests, and by hurting it and bleeding it out every-time, I can, in the long run, destroy it, till I am left with a shell filled of goodness, the 'good self' - the normal me. Whenever I stare at the big red pool, I feel free, as though a cancerous appendage has been removed.

I am my worst critic, my best friend and my worst enemy. I punish myself severely for every tiny slip, invalidate my own happiness at my achievements and I'm the only one who I can hold conversations with, without fearing that she will run away.

Over the last few weeks, the paranoia turned to utter disappointment. Now I get panic attacks so frequently to deal with. Panic attacks, and then the total loss of reality. I do not know how much longer I can endure this...

In the past 3 months, I have already tried to kill myself thrice. And now as punishment for  being so careless in my planning, everywhere I go, people make the surroundings completely child-safe. There are no sharp objects, (as I tried stabbing myself with the stolen kitchen knives), no unguarded or exposed pharmaceutical products (I keep overdosing on those), no poisons of any kind (I ingest those too) including bleaches, acids, etc, but a blade I keep hidden with me, remains. 3 months, I didn't step out of my room, 3 months I did not eat food, 3 months I was a disheveled hag, who hated all humans and feared them. Feared their conviction in this 'reality', feared being so close to them that it would hurt. I was mentally and physically broken.

I became a train wreck, with no maintenance car, on a long journey through the desert. I have no destination and I've forgotten my source.

Well, I don't know why I've been longing for human company this much since quite recently. It is quite perplexing. Whatever the reasons, I still wasn't looking a year ago. I'd decided that I was done with online relationships or even real-life relationships with boys (which I do not have, either way), and blam, I meet someone...and slowly, and probably because of my vulnerability, I fell head over heels in love and was determined to meet him and give us a chance. He would not call it love, this person - X. He did not want to commit over the 'unreal internet' and I understood him, so I waited. I don't know where it was headed, but when the initial daze wore off, I started seeing his flaws. I knew they were there, but before, I was blind to it, now I was ready to work around it. I wanted to go in with no expectations, but I figure he didn't. because I didn't fit into his image of a 'perfect' and he wandered. The fact that he wandered did not hurt me. The fact that he didn't tell me, did.
Why is everyone so scared to make a clean cut and yet maintain a platonic relationship that holds no bitterness?
Is it a lack of empathy? A lack of fair judgement or the inability to remove oneself from the equation and analyze a situation?

I do this. I do not know, why it is so easy to me. I can step out of my body as easily as people undress and freeze the scenario that bothers me, jot down the facts, analyze the issues and come up with a third-party report that could solve it all, and then 'wear' my body again and feel from a 1st person view. Like a scientist confronted with a problem, I ask appropriate questions and gather responses, process them and form conclusions that may or may not be helpful.

Back to the point at hand...

He meandered, but waited until I found out. I was terribly hurt by the lack of sensitivity. Then, as usual, the involuntary response of stepping-out to over analyze the situation occurred. I have a knack for asking the most objective questions. I can understand why he was uncomfortable, but I was not disappointed that he was uneasy, but because he thought I was going psychotic on him. When I asked him why he didn't tell em this before, he replied with "I see a physcho".

Whatever does that mean? I truly do not understand! Is all curiosity psychotic?
Or am I just tactless to say "I was just curious. I find Human reactions very interesting", for which the prompt answer was "Go and find another guinea pig".
I do not understand, what provoked his anger?

I feel angry. Angry that I'd made him mad myself and the fact that I should invoke such a response. Alas in my self-criticism I cannot De-personalize the situation at hand. So, I am angry at myself for lacking tact, for lacking insight, for lacking the wits to be sane enough to hold a decent, non-agressive argument. In this moment I cannot escape the pain that comes with empathy, perhaps it is the pain that binds me to my fragile physical form...I do not know. Pain is the only reality I can perceive so clearly. The only one that seems to have the intensity enough to cross that mystical barrier between body and mind, reach that void and attack in the softest corners of the consciousness, making itself tangible.

I do not know who is to blame, and by writing this, I have partially De-personalized myself and go into a place that is less hurtful and provides information for study. Hopefully, I can use this knowledge as part of a fixed experiment result and be wary in the future.

De-realization and De-personalization are such bitter enemies of mine. They cloud my judgement to a certain degree, at such levels that the De-personalized me and De-realizing me hurt the Me, probably hindering the solution to the problem.

My mind is not with me yet, because as I write this...I have partly stepped out.

I find also a beautiful blog on BPD. I can relate to it accurately, I hope people will find some answers there as well. It gave me courage.

http://suebpd-borderline.blogspot.com/